I wrote this the day after my bad trip when i was meditating by the river... Or rather, after...
this is all there is. A small corner of a particle, a dust-speck sized portion of this beautiful earth belongs to me. As daunting as it gets, we - i - must go on breathing, moving, shaking, laughing, crying, seemingly for no reason. Everyone knows itapos;s pointless, secretly in some dark hole of our minds we all want to kill ourselves. But for what? to exist as some lesser being? we are all minute, yet also vital to what there is NOW as the cellular makeup of this vast universe, we are atoms. We are barely real, but we are also lucky to get to see this mess first hand, as scary and mind-boggling as it is. We try to break the barriers, see things as they really are. Sometimes itapos;s good, and sometimes that truth is sad. But what really is the truth? all i know is, i exist.
thereapos;s something there which i truly feel and can apply to everything. Again i went to the river to think today in the peace of chirping crickets and reflected light and saw the smallest piece of my soul in a ripple of water. I have felt so lost, so dark, and been wondering why the truth wonapos;t come to me in an instantaneous flash. Yet epiphanies are rare, and frightening. It must seep in slowly, so slowly that i hardly notice it...
life is hard, very hard. But every little violent stone throw at my being affects me like a ripple. Despite what pochahontas says, they neednapos;t go on forever into the ocean of your soul. I sat on a rock there today, watching the movements in the water and searching myself for answers. Unexpectedly, i saw a little circle moving outward, but it seemed to dissipate after a little ways, and the water around it kept moving as it was. This is kind of beautiful - one violent affect fades. I feel like it is possible, to watch the pain fade off into the horizon. And as i was staring out at all that crushing beauty today, a little voice in my heart... The quietest voice, the one i always and still question, but the one that always is right, always has been right... My intuition, the self that fights to get out from all these layers of armor and societal influence and so on, in my head... I thought, very simply, "iapos;m in love with him." and i am. And i worried about this, whether it was just sad love the way you always love someone you once did, or if i still had that true passion love that lets you fight on. And i do. But itapos;s just so clouded right now by soreness and mistrusts. We had such a terrible moment today, and the other day... And it scares me to have this distance, i fear impending doom, but i guess we need it, so i donapos;t only think of him in a bad context... Because i donapos;t want to. I have faith that this will all get better.
one thing he said today, though, was what he always concedes to, "iapos;m not a good person." this has to stop. Resigning himself to moral ambiguity is whatapos;s going to kill this. Itapos;s as if the pain is an indulgence, a guilty indulgence because he has so much self-deprecation eating away at him. And i fear that this sort of outlook is going to prevent him from being able to be truly good to himself or me or anyone. Itapos;s not easy to be a good person... Not at all. Itapos;s much easier to take the other path. But i rarely see happy people at the end of such a journey... And i donapos;t want to be with someone who doesnapos;t believe in themselves, as much as i believe in him, itapos;s hard to when he doesnapos;t seem to... God, i love him. I just want things to be okay.
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